My New Bicycle is your new bicycle.

Attention U.S. Electorate!

Barack Obama is not your new bicycle. My New Bicycle is your new bicycle.

In these uncertain times we need a leader that will solve our gas crisis, can't choke on a pretzel because it doesn't have a mouth, and has never fallen off a Segway. My New Bicycle's middle name is Saddam, but that doesn't phase it, its charisma and pure blackness (with hints of red) will carry the day! My New Bicycle has sound foreign, energy, and domestic policies, but it's stoic, it knows when to keep its Alloy hubs; Alex alloy rims w/eyelets shut.

My New Bicycle built a Madrassa so awesome even Jesus said, "Good work." My New Bicycle personally ended the Arab-Israeli conflict by forcing the two parties to talk while threatening them with an American Flag lapel pin. My New Bicycle doesn't even have lapels, but it keeps a lifetime supply of pins handy just in case it grows lapels using its incredible powers of self-regeneration.

My New Bicycle renounced its old church, started a new church and lured all the old church's followers to the new church. My New Bicycle created its own Presidential seal that included a Bicycle riding an Eagle, while clutching $200 trillion to pay off the deficit. FDR is in the background, winking.

My New Bicycle. Yes, we can.